gotta get this off my chest
i have dealt with the ones i love most calling me the most horrid names, over and over again, for years, putting their hands on me in an attempt to, idk, teach me a lesson? (never quite figured out why they thought that was acceptable)
i have mothered 2 children essentially 100% by myself, having to be both a mother and father role at all times, and the immense guilt i have felt for leaving both of my children in that position is insurmountable, ON TOP of healing from things in my own childhood that i don’t speak about
i’ve spent 90% of my relationships being used like an object
i’ve been treated like i’m stupid, unworthy, less than, by almost every important figure that has ever been in my life
no one, and i truly mean this, no one, has been there for me the way i have had to be there for myself. i have learned my ins and outs, what i will tolerate and what i wont, and know exactly what i bring to the table, traumas and all
don’t get me wrong, we have all dealt with hardships, and we all deal with them in our own ways. what i can say is that through my own, i have learned that what hurts me, hurts me
you won’t ever minimize that, maybe i used to let you once upon a time, but i finally learned that my own feelings are, hell, idk… valid?? what a concept, right?
intentions and impacts are two completely different things
when i’m willing to have a respectful, calm conversation about what has hurt me, or how i perceived something differently than you originally meant, and you deny deny deny, then say i’m “too sensitive”?
you don’t know the half of it
you don’t know how much terrible shit i deserved to be sensitive about that i had to throw on a brave face for
the only thing i feel i’ve been “too” much of is trusting, trusting that someone could actually give a fuck, trusting they could be an adult, trusting you could think outside your own brain for 2 seconds
i am so
fucking
tired
